Woods apologizes for screwing half of north america
Tiger Woods made his first public appearance since taking a 9 iron to his head, thanks to wife, Elin in an attempt to win back fans who are upset that he didn’t sleep with them. Woods read from a prepared statement which unfortunately offered no video, photo or taped audio of any of his endeavors, “A pie chart would have been nice,” said golf enthusiast Martin Stanley who had taken a break from watching porn to catch the apology, “I just figured this guy would have great footage. I mean throw us a bone here. You just took 131/2 minutes of my life without so much as a video or photoshoot of your conquests. For shame Mr. Woods…… for shame.”
In his statement Woods acknowledged that he had affairs and had been unfaithful making sports writer Tank Mitchell say, “Duh, this is the least shocking news of all time. This would be like Hank Aaron holding a press conference to tell us he hit homeruns. We know you cheated Tiger. We want names, video footage and if donkey punches were ever involved. Perhaps a dirty sanchez. We want details!”
Missing in the audience was Tiger’s wife, Elin who was at home fumigating their bedroom and all of Tiger’s boxer shorts. Friends of the couple say that Elin has not decided wether to stay or leave and that a lot will depend on what her accountants say, “Everyone’s husband has a hobby,” said family friend Jenna Jameson, “You don’t make your husband hold a press conference because he likes to garden, do you? So why is everyone making such a big stink about Tiger’s hobby? Should Elin stay? Should Elin leave. She should be proud. Of all the people Tiger slept with he considered her number 1. He married her didn’t he. It’s like winning a gold medal at the Olympics. You weren’t the only one who skied, but you were the best!!”
Tiger after scoring with woman number 69
Tiger took the enormously long speech to show that he has absolutely no emotion about his numerous indescretions. Tiger’s marketing team has announced that there are plans to market a video of the speech as a way to help put youngsters to bed, “We noticed that over half, almost 65%, of the people in attendance fell asleep during the speech,” said marketing guru and sometimes advisor to Tiger Woods, Lisa Sparxxx, “We feel that there is a real market for this video for new borns to 3 year olds.”
During the speech Tiger mentioned Elin’s name 11 times, reportedly a tribute to the number of times he accidentally shouted his wife’s name during love making with other women.
Tiger also took time to apologize to the black community saying that he had not intended on leaving them out during his cheating rampage and that he had full intentions of sleeping with black women as well, he just hadn’t gottent to them before he was caught by his wife, “I fully intended to sleep with black women,” said the blackest golfer in America, “but I am only one man with one penis. God willing I will right this wrong as soon as things calm down.”
There are no reports as to when Tiger will be able to squeeze golf back into his busy schedule of screwing, but the tour needs him as viewership is down, “We are hoping that his sex therapy is working,” said skeptic and fan Bart Horney, “but sex addiction?!!? Is he not allowed to have sex now?? I mean when you leave alcohol rehab they don’t say ‘you can have a few drinks now and again’ – or does it mean he can’t do crazy stuff?? Really?? Sex addiction? Wow!!”
After the speech Tiger returned to rehab while wife Elin returned to her accountants office to crunch more number.
Colgate’s famous fifth dentist loses battle with tooth decay
Blumpkin at Elton John's infamous Oscar Party
Colgate’s famous fifth dentist, Philip Blumpkin, has passed away at the age of 58 after a short but valiant battle with a tooth infection. Blumpkin, best known as Great Britain’s only dentist, died violantely while awake and likely in excruciating pain.
Washington temporarily suspends take your insane prisoners to the fair day
The Washington Correctional Department has decided to temporarily suspend the “Take your insane prisoners to the fair day” in response to last months escape attempt by insane killer Phillip Paul.
Phillip Arnold Paul trying his best to look sane, but coming up a tad short
This is the second time Paul has attempted an escape during the “Take your insane prisoners to the fair day” prompting Agency Secretary Susan Dreyfus to proclaim “Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.”
Debate Over Health Care Rages On
Obama seen here cuddling with his favorite watermelon
The debate over health care reform continues to rage on after President Barack Obama’s address to congress on wednesday. The speech was intended to ease tensions as Obama attempted to iron out misconceptions about the plan, such as the so-called “death panel”. Obama insisted there would be no such “death panel” and if anyone wanted to get more information about the topic they could contact the head of the health care plan, Dr. Jack Kevorkian. For his part, Kevorkian insisted a “death panel” does not exist saying, “It’s just me bitches!”
Palin Working on Memoir, Already Up To Eight Pages
Palin on the campaign trail in 2008
Many have wondered what former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has been up to since leaving office, and the mystery was solved by the former Governor’s father. “She’s been writing her memoir,” stated the proud father who says she’s already up to eight pages, although two pages are pictures of Russia as seen from her back yard, “There’s going to be a lot of stuff about her mavericky ways in there. We expect the book to be at least 30, maybe even 35 pages long.”
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